So by this point, you’re probably wondering, “What the heck does that have to do with me?” Well, the interesting part of this story is how much EBay paid for the product that BEA spent millions to develop… $0! That’s right, not a single cent!

So why would BEA spend weeks negotiating a contract that nets them no money? Not only that, but there’s also the costs of supporting the product and continuing to develop it – all for free! Why, why, why would anyone do that?

Well, here’s what BEA got: EBay allowed them to tell other people that they (EBay) were using BEA’s product!!

A multi-million dollar product.

For free.

In exchange for being allowed to tell other people it’s being used!

Here’s a great example of how generosity yielded a company a lot of money. In fact, there’s actually two examples of generosity here!

Generosity From BEA’s Side

So why was it so worth it for BEA to let other people know that EBay is using its product? Well, because of the wide exposure of the EBay brand, people will have more trust towards BEA’s products if a large company like that is using them. This’ll allow BEA to sell more of its products to other customers, more than making up the costs of giving EBay a free license and support!

By being generous with EBay, BEA has put itself in a position to attract many more potential deals.

Generosity From EBay’s Side

On the other side, EBay’s branding is a perfect example of how generosity pays off! By being a company of integrity and trust, it’d established itself as a company that’ll go the extra mile to please its customers. By being generous with its time and effort, EBay has gained the trust of the consumer base. When you hear about an EBay product, you know it’ll be innovative and well done!

As a result, precisely because of this trust gained through hard work and a generosity of effort, companies like BEA throw themselves at Ebay in order to work with them!

Isn’t it nice to have two or more competing companies throwing their products at you hoping you’ll pick them to satisfy your needs? Not only that, but they’re doing it eagerly, and for free!

That’s what generosity does for you – it makes people really want to work with you!

And then you get to pick who you’d like to work with

Here’s an example we recently encountered with WM Media.

Since we are in the business of buying websites, we are in contact with various developers who come to us from time to time. Of course, not all of them come out to a decent quality, so we have to sort through them and pick the ones that look okay. That means we get bombarded by 10s-100s of sites daily, so there’s a lot of stuff to go through.

Because of the large volume of sites, it’s not that often that we remember each individual person that we’ve done a deal with, especially if we’ve only done one or two. Among the sea of people, we remember maybe the one or two $50,000 website deals, and even those didn’t make that strong of an impression. However, last Christmas, one of the people who sold us a $1,000 website created an everlasting memory – he sent me a Christmas Card!

Keep in mind this one just one small transaction out of almost 100, and I’m not sure I even gave him my address. As a result, the card came as a surprise and made a very good impression. He demonstrated a generosity in both time and effort, and it didn’t cost him that much monetarily!

Can you guess how we treated him the next time he had a website to sell us?

Not only were we eager to look at his websites, we were happy to offer a few hundred extra dollars because we wanted to work with him! In fact, we actively wanted to look at his websites especially, because we know that he’s probably put just as much time, thought, and effort into them as he did for the Christmas card.

So because of his generosity in effort, not only did he get a better price on his sites, he has a steady company eager to look at what he’s offering!

Not bad for a 50 cent card and a little bit of thought, right?

An employeee-employer relationship is a common example of this as your salary as an employee is generally fixed. You don’t really get appreciated for taking a smaller salary, so the way that you can be a 40-60 person is to do more than a person in your position is expected to!

What You Can Do At Work

Here’s a few ways you can accomplish that at work:

Produce more than your position demands – Your number one purpose when hired is to accomplish a certain task. Therefore, try to be more efficient and accomplish more in the time that you have. If there’s some extra time at work when you’ve done your assignments, take some initiative and ask for more work! Aggressively seek things that nobody else wants to do but definitely needs to be done. Seek ways to do things faster and better.

Produce a better quality product – On the same note, if no extra work is available immediately, you can use your extra time to produce a better product. If you are a software engineer, you can look over your code and make sure it’s bug free. If you are a construction worker, you can make sure the wall you put up is polished and clean looking as well as sturdy!

Offer other people your help – Of course, your time might be better spent investing into the relationships at work. After all, you might need other people’s help in the future. You can offer to help other people with their projects instead of sitting back and relaxing. It’s a way of doing more work, but doing it through other people!

Have a better attitude – You can also give more emotionally than a person in your position demands. Is there a nitty customer that drives everyone nuts? Maybe you can make the company more money by being calm with him and listening to his needs. Is there a coworker with a lot of problems? Smile, be patient with him, and help him solve his problems. The positive emotional energy generated is reward on its own!

Seek out new sources of information and improve yourself – When there really isn’t anything you can do or help with at that particular time, you can always try to improve yourself to prepare for the next task. Read articles and magazines regarding your field. Read some books on interacting better with people. Make it so that you can accomplish the same task you did this time in 1/2 the time next time around!

What You Get For Your Extra Efforts

By being generous and taking on more responsibility, you generate goodwill with your coworkers and more money for the company. The next time a raise opportunity comes around, who will your manager give more to – you, a person who did more than his fair share, or someone else who only did his “fair share” of work?

Also, when your manager moves on, who do you think will take over his responsibilities? A person who doesn’t know what’s going on and nobody really knows, or you, someone who everyone likes and does all the work?

By being generous, you put yourself in a position to take advantage of new opportunities – in this case, raises and promotions.

Hey, even if your company doesn’t appreciate your efforts, maybe a competitor will hear of you and give you the salary and position that you deserve!

The Problem

In the deal, we’d acquired a website but without the license, which we’d understood would come later. However, the seller, not quite understanding that the software on the website required a license, wasn’t aware of it as part of the deal. As a result, he didn’t have the license and didn’t want to buy a new one, leading to an unpleasant situation where we needed to collect $300 from a person who didn’t want to give it!

This is probably a relatively common situation that everyone experiences at some point in their lives! You lent money to a friend and he doesn’t want to pay you back. You did some extra work and the employer didn’t want to pay you extra. You bought a product online and didn’t get it. Learning to handle this situation better would be very beneficial since it happens so often!

What Happened

Normally, in these situations, we’d just forget about it and not really worry about it. Unfortunately, in this situation, the seller kept telling us that he would give us the license and that he’s working on it. We tried asking and there were always little progress that he’s somehow working on it. We set deadlines and they were just ignored. We tried settling it but that didn’t work either!

Finally, the seller just ignored us after continuously promising us that he’s not arguing and that he’ll do it!

How Generosity Would Have Helped

So in the above scenario of what actually happened, we expended a lot of effort and didn’t really get any results! Not only that, but it made the seller stop talking to us, preventing him from bringing us further deals.

Let’s consider a more generous approach though! Say when the seller asked us about it, we could have simply said that since he feels the licenses were not part of the deal, he doesn’t have to pay for them. What a difference that would have made!

Instead of an angry seller, we would have one that would be more open to our perspective and eager to do more deals with us. Since each deal is like $6000, $300 is only a small portion of the amount. And since we are buying websites at that price, we make a significant return on it!

Instead of trying to make him pay us $300, we could have allowed him some way to create $300 of value for us.

Not only would it have made us more money in the long run, it would have allowed us to keep him as a friend who’ll possibly sell us websites for the entire duration of his life! Isn’t that worth just a little more than $300 we didn’t get?

The Negotiations Situation

Imagine there are three research companies A, B, and C. Because they’re in such an important field, the government is giving them a grant, but it’s structured a bit strangely! The companies are presented with the being able to pick only one of the following options:

Company A+B = $600,000
Company A+C = $800,000
Company B+C = $1,000,000
Company A+B+C = $1,100,000

Pretend you are one of the companies, what is your strategy to maximize your returns?

A Company Value Analysis

Because the government grants contracts to each pair of companies, each company has a certain value in the government’s eyes:

Company A = $200,000
Company B = $400,000
Company C = $600,000

You can do a quick check to see that these add up to the totals for the contracts above!

Of course this means that any of the companies can work with any of the other companies and come to this theoretical value for the deal. For example, Company A can work with Company B or Company C to get their $200,000 fair share. Or, the three of them can work together and split the $100,000 difference somehow ($200k + $400k + $600k = $1.2 mil, which is $100k more than the $1.1 mil offered by the government!)

So what’s the deal that should result?

A Loop For The 50-50 People

This is an interesting situation that presents a loop to the 50-50 people, assuming that everyone is going for these theoretical company values. Company A can offer Company B $400,001 and only take $199,999 to try to get the deal. However, Company C can in turn offer Company A $200,001 while Company C takes $599,999. Knowing that offer though, Company B might offer Company C $600,001 while Company B takes $399,999. But then Company A can….

This situation just never made sense to me in college. Wouldn’t the loop just go on forever and ever?

As I asked this question, the results for the class came in and a variety of deals developed. Some with Company A taking $150,000 and Company B taking $450,000. Some with Company B taking $380,000 and Company C taking $620,000. Some with Company A taking $210,000 and Company B taking $390,000. It all seemed so random!

The part that just kept bugging me was, why would Company B choose to take $390,000 when Company C is probably offering him $400,001? Wouldn’t it make sense to switch over to Company C’s deal?

Think about the situation for a second… what would you do?

How The Solution Makes Sense In The Context Of Generosity

After an hour or so of talking with the professor and my classmates, the answer to the burning question of “What does Company B get in exchange for that $10,001 difference?” finally emerged. It is… the deal! That’s right – by taking $10,001 less, Company B was able to secure the deal!

For some people, they’d probably much prefer to be in the situation where Company B took $450,000 and Company A took $150,000. However, in the long run, it might actually be better to be taking the $390,000! By taking $390,000 as opposed to going for the $450,000, Company B significantly increases the chance of getting the deal! Besides, life is a series of such “free” pies that are created. That $10,001 can bring a lot more of those!

Even from the perspective of the deal at hand though, by getting a deal, Company B gets $390,000 extra. By losing the deal, it gets nothing. It only needs to increase its chance of getting the deal by 1/400 in order for that $10,001 “loss” to be justified! This is not to mention the goodwill Company B would get from Company A by giving that $10,001. If such a situation arises again in the future, Company A might just go straight to Company B and not even talk to Company C! That’s what generosity does for you!

However, do note that this tradeoff does level off at some point. For example, if Company B only took $10, either the other companies would pretty much accept immediately. In this case though, it’ll need a lot more deals to make up for the $399,990 it missed out on!

This is not to say that’s necessarily a bad choice, as maybe it knows that there’ll be a $10,000,000 grant next year that it’ll need the goodwill of the other company.

Either way though, the main take away is that less than $200k/$400k/$600k may be the optimal choice for each of the respective companies!

The Solution When Everyone’s Generous

There is that special option where all three companies get some money though. However, it requires that the three companies each give up something and not get their “full” amount. It is a perfect example of how everyone benefits if they are generous! If each of the company is slightly more generous than 50-50, then they’ll all feel great accepting that slight loss so that everyone can be happy!

In the end, if they all cooperate and give a little extra, they get a bigger pie to share. If they do not, then they’ll have to fight over a smaller pie and one of them gets nothing! Not a bad reward for cooperating right?

A Situation To Test Your Generosity

Imagine yourself in a business venture with a friend. It’s new, it’s innovative, and you’re just completely excited! As a result, the business does really well and makes you a ton of money! Now suppose your friend gives you a blank check and asks you to split that money any way you want. That’s right – you get to pick your share and his share!

In glee, your first thought is probably whether you should take all the money. After all, he asked you to do it! If he’s willing to give it, why not take it right? Hmmm… but maybe he would be pissed off and force you to give a fair share…

Maybe you can take a little more than 50%, an amount that he barely cares about and wouldn’t really argue over. Perhaps 52%? He’s not going to give you crap for taking an extra 2% right? And with that 2%, maybe you can buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend…

On the other hand, he is your friend, so maybe you should give him his fair share. Being what you feel is very generous, you graciously decide to make it 50-50. Whew… he gave you a chance to be greedy, but you resisted! Good job!

Now, what if I told you that it might be better if you only took 40%?

Say WHAT??? Take less than 50%? Maybe you think I made a typo.

No really, take 40%. You’ll most likely make more money.

Yes, make more money.

The Nature Of Wealth

It doesn’t seem to make any sense on the surface. Let’s say the business made a million dollars. 60% of it is $600,000. 40% of it is $400,000. $600,000 is greater than $400,000. So how are you making more money by taking $400,000? Like, what?

Before going into the reasoning for that, let’s take a look at the nature of wealth in general.

Let’s assume Person A has some corn, and Person B has some apples. Person A got sick of eating his corn and wants some apples and Person B is in the same situation with apples and wants some corn. A field of apples is worth $1000 to Person B but $2000 to Person A. A field of corn is worth $1000 to Person A and $2000 to Person B. Therefore, Person B gives Person A some apples and Person A gives Person B some corn. They both become happier (see Do You Get Money?).

Before trading, Person A has a field of corn worth $1000 to him and Person B has a field of apples worth $1000 to him. Total wealth: $2000.

After trading, Person B has a field of corn worth $2000 and Person A has a field of apples worth $2000. Total wealth: $4000.

By trading, $2000 of wealth is created out of thin air.

This is also what happens when two people work together. One person brings a certain skill set, and another person brings a different skill set. Together, they accomplish things that neither of them could have alone. As a result, while Person A alone can make say $1000 and Person B alone can make $1000, together they might be able to make $3000 having expended the same amount of effort (see How To Get Your Partner To Do More Work).

So the real question here is how to divide up that extra $1000 of value created through both people. So 50-50 right? Doesn’t that sound really fair? Well, here’s why taking $400 might be better than taking $500.

How Being More Generous Makes You More Money

Assume for a moment that you are now the partner of the person and he took 60-100% of the money. How would you feel about it? Wouldn’t it feel kind of like he screwed you over? Wouldn’t you want to look for someone else who can maybe be happy with 50-50? Or god forbid give you a little more? How would you react the next time this person wants to work with you?

By taking more than your fair share of the money, you make other people annoyed. They despise you. They think you’re petty. They want to get as far away from you as possible. Sure, you got your extra 10-20% this time, but who’d ever want to work with you again?

Now, let’s say he picked 50-50, which is probably what most of the world runs on. “Not bad!” you think, “that’ only fair!” If you find a good deal again though, you’ll probably shop around see who’ll do the most work for their 50% cut. Hey, plenty of 50-50 people out there right?

Now, what if your partner offered you 60% of the money? Boy would you be eager to jump on board and start working hard! After all, you’re getting a bigger part of the pie! Would there be any question of who you’d want to work with?

Think about this for a second… how many 50-50, or even say 55-45 people, are there? Doesn’t that describe most of the world?

And who would they want to work with? Other 50-50 people, or you, a hard working 40-60 person? If word got out that you’re a generous person who’ll give other people more than their fair share, you can expect all those people to come knocking at your door!

With so many more offers to chose from, isn’t it more likely that you’ll find a better opportunity? 40% of a $1 million dollar opportunity is certainly much more than 60% of a $100,000 opportunity! Oh, so is 40% of 100 different $100,000 opportunities!

What you trade off as a smaller portion of a deal is greatly made up by more deals and better deals.

In this way, not only are you wealthier in money, you’ll also be much wealthier in friends!

The more I think about this concept, the more important and astounding it is to me. So many events in my life that didn’t make any sense now suddenly does. It resonates with me strongly both emotionally and logically!

To better understand this concept and spread it to other people, I will write an article once a day for the next 30 days to demonstrate this idea in action!

An Interesting Problem

Pretend for a moment that you are a kid playing in a sandbox with some other kids. You are all running around, laughing, having fun! Yay!

They’re all a lot of fun, except for this one kid in the corner who is pouting all the time. He’s mean So for the most part, you stay away from him and let him beat other kids up. So far so good!

One day, some adults came over and gave everyone some toys to play with. In glee, you run over to your little model train and start playing with it. Whoosh, whoosh, clank, clank. Heeheeheehee!! Lots of fun!

All of a sudden, yoink! The big bully steals your model train and starts playing with it!! How dare he? You got it first! You run after him demanding him to give it back, but he just keeps running away and ignoring you!

Some Solutions To the Problem

In anger, you consider your options… What can you do to get that model train back?

Option 1: You can just let the bully have the model train. Maybe getting that train back isn’t that important after all. There are other things to play with!

That would be soooo unfair though! It was your model train first so you should get to play with it! Besides, it would set a bad precedent for the future and show him that he can bully you around! You’ll lose even more model trains in the future! You certainly can’t have that!

Option 2: You can try to take it back from him. Yeah… that’d get you your train back and teach him a lesson! Happy at your idea, you assess your chances. The first thing you notice is his bulging muscles. You then look at your weenie arm and conclude that your chances aren’t quite as good as you’d first thought! You’d probably end up on the ground with a black eye and not get to play with your model train! Still… might be worth it just to get a few punches in!

Option 3: Scream and yell at him, which you really feel like doing right now. Doesn’t seem like that’d get your train back though! Still an option to consider… you know you’d feel better!

Option 4: Tell the adults about it and “tell” on him! Yeah! That’d work! Hmmm… none of them seem to be around though!

Option 5: Talk to him and try to reason with him. Maybe that’d work if he was listening, but messages don’t appear to be actually reaching his brain at the moment. He practically never talks and just sits in his corner sulking anyway! Better not try… you’ll probably just end up getting your butt kicked!

Uh oh, you seem to be out of options! Hmmmm, all of them seem to have some sort of problem, with you not getting your train and feeling angry or even worse, ending up on the floor bleeding. Now, if there was just some way to solve the problem!

The Other Solution That You Can’t See

In school, they teach you that you have to do well in class. They tell you that getting an A is good, and getting an F is bad. After a decade or two of this, you get used to the idea of having to solve the problems they shove at you. The thing is, nobody ever told you that in real life, you don’t actually have to be there if you don’t want to! Instead of coming up with the right answer, you can change the problem!

Imagine that Bill Gates took a chemistry exam and failed. Some teachers walk up to him and say, “You FAILED! These answers are horrible!! You will never make it as a chemist!” Do you think he’d care? He’d probably be like, “Okay, so?” and continue making his billions of dollars. Doing well in school being a good thing is based on the assumption that you are trying to solve the “get ahead in school problem”!

In school, people give you problems to solve and you solve it. In life, you set your own problems to solve! You don’t ever have to do anything! Of course, most people like to solve the problem of “staying alive for some period of time” (which incidentally triggers the idea that the desire to exist is the basis of all meaning).

So how does this apply to the us and the big bully? What should we do?

Well, you only are unhappy because you want to a) teach the big bully a lesson and b) play with the model train. The solution? Re-evaluate what you want and make sure that this is actually what you want! If it was your spouse or your close friend, wouldn’t you let him/her play with your model train and not care?

The Same Solution From Two Perspectives

Therefore, if you change your goal to “make big bully my friend and play together in the long run”, then all of a sudden, Option 1 seems like a good idea! You can go over there and say, “I like you and want you to be my friend, so please feel free to play with the train and all these other toys I got for us! ” Isn’t that a lot harder to resist for the big bully? You’d probably get to play with your model train once he gets tired of it anyway! Plus, you get to play with all these other toys he’d probably get for you guys!

This solution viewed from the angry person looking for revenge standpoint though would appear that you’ve caved in. The angry person would literally not understand at all what you are doing!

It is the exact same solution, but viewed with an additional perspective!

A Little Dimension Lets You See A Lot More

This reminds me of the book Flatland in which a bunch of two dimensional beings (living on a plane) meet a three dimensional being. When the three dimensional being intersects the plane, all the two dimensional beings see is a particular type of line (which is a bad thing in this 2-D world if I remember correctly). However, as the three dimensional being starts passing through the plane, the length of the line changes and these 2-D inhabitants are quite stunned and confused.

This would be the same situation above, with the angry person staying in his 2-D world and only seeing the line. As the months pass and you become the bully’s good friend (and the bully becomes a better person), it would probably be a complete shock to the angry person!

Luckily, we have the power to think about other perspectives and in doing so, may be able to see the bigger picture better. Then, hopefully, we can just redefine these unsolvable problems into solvable ones

The Meaning Of Life

In a previous post the meaning of life, we’d examined a logical argument for why the meaning of life is existence. However, as I wrote the article how to solve your problems by changing your frame or perspective, it struck me that the desire to exist is actually the basis of all meaning in our lives!

Here’s a smattering of arguments that came to mind, seeming to apply to any way you look at it!

Existence From A Scientific Perspective

Evolution wise, we are the people who have endured the test of the survival of the fittest. We persevered as a people because of our stronger desire to exist than everyone who didn’t make it. You are here today because one of your ancestors, when faced with a decision to kill that deer for its meat or not, chose to do so!

In fact, all of our emotions, our very being, scream the command “Survive!” Our instincts tell us to not jump over a bridge and to not put our hand into a fire. Our emotions tell us to seek out other people and work together. Our logic tells us to stay alive and gather the resources necessary for survival. Logically, emotionally, and instinctively, every human being is born with a strong desire to exist! The ones who didn’t have that desire have already perished and lost their existence!

Existence And The Value Of Other People

Because we all have such a strong desire to exist, this brings an inherent value to all people. If that person is here today, then there must be something in him that has allowed him (and his ancestors) to surpass the challenges of the past million years or so. Just think about that for a second. No matter how much we dislike this person, his makeup has allowed him to survive to stand before us today! If nothing else, we’ve got to respect that!

Just like us, his ancestors have endured the challenges of millions of years and have earned a right to exist. Isn’t there maybe just a little bit he knows about existence that we don’t?

Thinking this way places a lot of value on every person, independent of what they have done in the past. After all, they exist right now, so they must’ve done something right!

Existence From A Historical Perspective

Existence has always been a driving motivation if we just take a look at history. People fought wars over the resources they need. People argued for years in conferences so that we can sign peace treaties and live together in harmony. People worked everyday to create a legacy so that they will not be forgotten.

And why wouldn’t that be so? After all, history is written by those who exist.

If existence is our main goal, then those things that add to our existence are good and those things that take away from our existence are bad. Nothing better illustrates this than the phrase history is written by the victors.

Let’s take the Holocaust for example. The Nazis killed people in concentration camps and destroyed the Jewish people by the millions. What a horrific event, right? Pretty much any person you ask would say that is just plain wrong (me included).

Yet, part of that same group of people are descendants of the original American settlers. Their ancestors killed the Native American people, raped their women, and stole their land. In many ways, isn’t that pretty similar to the Holocaust? Yet, do we have history lessons on what horrible people Americans are for this? Are people put on trial today because their ancestors committed atrocious crimes? Nope… at least I don’t recall a whole lot of negative intonations while learning about this period of America history. Nor have I seen a whole lot of emotionally resonant films about Native Americans being slaughtered!

So what is the difference? Why has the Native American incident been seemingly forgotten while the Holocaust is remembered over and over again? Well, in both cases, the American people were on the winning side! Of course the Jewish people who survived would complain about the people who took away their existence by the millions. Yet, since the Native Americans were mostly wiped out, there are not a whole lot of them seeking retribution. As a result, the incident is more or less forgotten – shrugged off as more or less a “Whoops, yeah that was bad, not much we can do about it now!”

If the Germans had won, do you think they would be having history lessons on how bad the Holocaust was? Why would that be any different than the way Americans have treated the general demise of the Native Americans?

If you lose, you are a treacherous villain. If you win, you are a valiant hero. That seems to be what history has to say about the value of existence!

What Is Existence?

So what exactly is existence? While the answer may seem obvious at first glance, it’s not so black and white when we think about it for a while. If we are alive, then we exist. However, if we exist, we don’t necessarily have to be alive! Therefore, while staying alive contributes to our existence, it is not the sole purpose of our life.

You see, we aren’t just three dimensional beings. A large part of our existence lies in the fourth dimension of time! When we help another person realize their potential, our existence is increased. When we create a building for others to live in, our existence is increased. When we create children, our existence is increased. In general, when we create value, we have increased the total existence of the universe! This value lies in both the past and the future. Once you’ve created that value, you have irrevocably changed the course of history – and no one can take that away from you!

This view of existence allows us to think on grander terms and explains why human beings will sacrifice for each other – because we continue to exist long after we are dead!

Existence From A Religious Perspective

This concept of our existence being more than just our life is very well illustrated in religion. In Christianity, God has built us with a purpose and will reward us with eternal life if we live by his values. For some, this eternal life in heaven is the main attraction. If the Bible told people that there is no heaven and no eternal bliss, then it’d probably be a lot less popular! People like to know that death is not the end of their existence.

For another group of people though, it is this purpose they derive from religion that define their existence. For example, some women become nuns in order to serve God. They may even believe that they will die without having an after life, but they do so willingly because the purpose of serving God is for them, the ultimate form of existence!

So how do people find out what existence is to them?

Existence In How To Win Friends And Influence People

Interestingly enough, this had been answered in the book How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie. In it, he’d mentioned that every single person has a desire to be important! When I first read it, it didn’t seem to make that much sense to me. Why would people want that?

Well, as mentioned from the scientific perspective, we humans have a natural tendency to exist and one of these tendencies is our emotions. The desire to exist, in emotional form, is the feeling of being important! Because when we are important, we are needed. When we are needed, it means that there is something unique we bring that others desire. Only we can bring this particular thing into existence! When something is so unique that only you can offer it, that thing in many ways is you. We have been born with a truly great emotional tool to judge what contributes to existence and what doesn’t!

Is it any surprise then that the desire for a feeling of importance is on the top of everyone’s list?

From all of these arguments, it seems pretty clear: Without the desire to exist, we might as well just be a rock!

Getting What You Want

In How To Win Someone’s Heart, we looked at ways to secure the loyalty and trust of our fellow human beings. In this article, we’ll see how this concept applies more generally and from a more logical perspective.

Okay! We’ll get right down to it. Let’s say you’re walking around and there’s this person with something you want. Maybe it’s the $100 bill in his pocket, or maybe you want to have sex with her, or maybe you want him to vote for you. So how do you go about getting that person to give you what you want?

Well, let’s take a look at your options. You can either use force or not use force.

Option 1: Force The Other Person To Give You What You Want

In the case of the $100 bill, you would run up to the guy and rob him. In the case of the girl, you would rape her. In the case of the voting, maybe you would put a gun to the guy’s back and shoot him if he doesn’t vote for you. This is probably the most direct and the quickest way to get the object of your desire. And actually, it does work. You’ve gotten exactly what you want from this person. So what’s the problem?

Well, the problem is that you are also getting something you don’t want along with it! The guy you took the $100 bill from would probably want to kick your ass if he ever saw you again. The girl you raped would probably have you arrested and put behind bars for good. The guy who you forced to vote for you would probably kill you if he ever got a chance. That’s what happens when you take something from someone – they lose it and aren’t happy about that loss!

Beyond these problems, what are the chances of that person giving you what you want again? Do you think that guy would walk around with $100 bills sticking out of his pocket again? He probably doesn’t carry around more than $5 anymore! And that girl you raped – she probably got a big bad boyfriend named Bubba who’ll smash your head in. And that guy you put a gun to – he’s probably a black belt in some sort of martial art now and can probably take your gun and shoot you before you can say “vote for me!”

Forcing it does get you want you want, but at a very high price! It might be worth it if you are in a really desperate situation. Maybe you’re starving and need that $100 bill to buy your family food, or you are the last man on earth and that girl won’t have sex with you.

Just be aware of the price you are paying if you pick this option – it’s a one time thing, the other person will hate you and oppose you at any opportunity in the future. Whatever it is, it’d better be pretty damn important!

Is there a better way?

Option 2: Give The Other Person What They Want

Now, let’s say you are the guy with the $100 bill. A guy walks up to you and gives you a big diamond and he says, “I would really appreciate it if you could give me that $100 bill!” Wouldn’t you be much more likely to give it to him gladly? And the next time you have a $100 bill, wouldn’t you go around looking for him to see what he has to offer you?

That’s what happens when you give other people what they want! They’ll come back time and time again looking for that thing, and giving you more of what you want!

Of course, if you’re mean to them and laugh at them or something, then you’ll also be offering something they don’t want. As a result, they might go find someone else to get their needs fulfilled. For example, if you have an expensive jewelry store and you look down on a guy who comes in without a suit, that guy will probably go to another jewelry store even if you are offering better prices! Or if you give your spouse money and make them feeling like they owes you something, then they will probably go out to make their own money so that they can get away from you!

However, if you not only give it to them but you do it cheerfully, is there any reason why they would go to anyone else? When you become an indispensible source that fulfills other people’s needs, they will do whatever they can to keep you happy!

And therein likes the way to get what you want – Give other people what they want, make yourself indispensable to them, do it cheerfully, and they’ll come back again and again with what you want!

What Is Commitment?

What does it mean to commit to something? What does it mean when you say something like “I will finish school”?

Let’s look at a person committed to finishing college vs. a person who isn’t. Let’s say both of these people failed a class and are on the verge of dropping out. What would each person do? What would each person think?

Here are some possible thoughts each of the two people:

Committed Student
* I have to finish college. What can I do to get a better grade?
* How can I convince my advisor to not kick me out and give me a second chance?
* That guy seems to get better grades I do, wonder how I can be more like him.
* I must do better, I have to study harder.
* I can’t go to parties anymore because I really need to not fail.
* There must be some way for a motivated student to stay in.
* What can I change about myself so that I can do better next semester?

Uncommitted Student
* Hey, I gave it my best shot. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.
* I can go to work at my dad’s business if they don’t let me back in.
* Bill Gates never finished college and he turned out just fine.
* College is overrated anyway.
* What more could I have done?
* I’m already making $1 million/year elsewhere. What do I need school for?

We can see that the committed student only has thoughts about how he can finish college while the uncommitted student continuously second guesses himself and plans for the cases where he isn’t going to finish school. Therein lies the meaning of commitment.

To commit: To no longer consider possibilities that are inconsistent with the object of your commitment.

For example, if the committed student had a thought about quitting college, he would quickly put it out of his head. “I’ve committed to finishing college and this solution doesn’t give me what I want”. The “solutions” that has to do with alternatives of quitting college are no longer considered solutions!

Why Commit?

Isn’t it bad to commit then since it cuts you off from considering all possibilities? After all, what if the committed student could lead a better life if he doesn’t finish college? For example, if he was already making $1 million/year elsewhere, maybe that’s a reasonable alternative, right? Well, yes and no.

Yes, it’s possible that the student can lead a better life outside of college. However, in order to give himself the best chance of finishing college, he sacrifices that particular possibility!

That’s because there are only so many hours in a day and so much time your brain has to think. If your brain is thinking about what it would be like to quit school, then it’s not thinking about ways to stay in school. Each decision in life has so many possibilities and alternatives that thinking about any one branch (such as ways to quit school and be okay) can take a very long time. Wouldn’t you be much more likely to come up with a solution if you’d used all that energy to think about ways you can stay in school? Maybe you would’ve gotten a lot more studying done!

In a way, a commitment is just a really big decision. When you decide something, you prune away other possibilities. For example, if you choose to eat a chocolate ice cream, you are giving up the possibility of eating a strawberry ice cream, eating a steak, or one of infinite other things you can do.

When you commit, it is a decision to work towards a particular long(er) term goal. You are saying, “I will no longer consider other alternatives because this is what I want to do. I will think about ways to accomplish this goal and banish all thoughts that are not towards this end”. You dedicate all your energy to making this dream a reality, making it almost impossible for you not to succeed.

Additionally, you will have a metric to judge things. If you commit to something, then things that help you towards your commitment are good, and things against your commitment are bad. You’ll always have some framework to evaluate your problems so that you won’t ever be haunted by indecision.

When people see this type of confidence, they are much more likely to join you on your quest also, making it even more likely that you’ll succeed!

Should You Commit?

Of course, there are advantages to not committing too. You get to keep your options open in case something better comes along. However, doing so poses significant risks in that you’ll develop a habit of jumping from thing to thing, never quite getting anything accomplished.

Not committing does have its place however. For example, if you have no clue what kind of sport you like and you’re trying them out, so it can be a useful philosophy at times.

Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of each:

Commitment
* Locked in, refuse to consider other alternatives.
* Focused – much more likely to succeed because you’re focused.
* Confidence – No doubt, since your mind is only focused on how to obtain the object of your commitment.
* Always have a guide as to what’s right and what’s wrong.
* Can overcome great adversity.
* Inspires people to follow you because they can trust you – you have integrity.

Not Commiting
* Flexible, lots of options.
* Highly likelihood of not getting anywhere with it.
* Quits at the first sign of trouble.
* Hard to get people to tag along because you don’t believe in the cause yourself.
* Mind can change easily.

Of course, each of these has their own strengths. However, I have found that when you commit, it’s rare that you don’t succeed. In situations like romantic relationships, it’s absolutely vital so that an atmosphere of integrity and trust can be built.

So go ahead, commit to something. Tell yourself, “I’ll do it or I’ll die – whichever happens first”! Don’t worry, you’ll succeed!