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Another Awakening At 3am

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I awoke to find myself in sort of a limbo. I seemed to be aware of myself being in several places at once. While I knew I was tossing and turning in my bed, I also seemed to be on stage performing in an opera, and talking with several other people in different time periods. The exact details have faded, but I distinctly recall tossing and turning and what seemed like a great deal of sweating. Eventually, those other realities shrunk in size and I awoke in my bed, with my mind quite active.

Yesterday had been quite an eventful day. When I first woke up, my head was literally over-heated. For some strange reason, when important enough things don’t make sense to me, my brain seems to chug into over-time mode. This results in a person walking around who is quite literally unaware of anything that is going on around him. I’ve had similar experiences when I’d thought about interesting perspectives such as subjective reality. There is an actual physical manifestation of heat in my head from all that thinking. I’ve sometimes wondered if a sufficiently hard problem would just kill me from thinking about it too much.

However, as I finished writing my post A Throbbing Heart Leads To A Sleepless Night, this “burden” lifted and things seem to make sense again – logically. It seems that my emotions didn’t quite agree though. I was drawn to playing a demo song on my piano which I felt conveyed “deep” emotions. I sat on my sofa, listening to it. From time to time, I shed a few tears. It was quite an interesting experience, as right after a bout of tear shedding, I found myself observing me crying. It’s almost like I’m completely separate from myself, scratching my head and thinking, “Hmmm, wonder what that guy is doing now?”

It’s not always clear in such cases just exactly what the tears are about. Perhaps, it is to mourn the loss of one of my ways of thinking, or perhaps, to mourn the loss of one of my fantasies regarding the girl I like.

Soon, it was time for the opera production I’ve been training for (Mademoiselle Modiste at the Lyric Theatre). Yesterday was opening night, and I’d gone through the motions without quite realizing I was on stage. Of course, I didn’t have my glasses up there, so everything was one big blur anyway :-) Today though, I was able to focus and felt great getting into my character. As I went to greet people after the show, I felt genuinely happy that they were around.

This is actually an interesting pattern that I have been noticing: I tend to appreciate people more right after situations like this. However, as I understand myself more and more and focus on my purpose, this difference has become much narrower. I actually wasn’t too different than I was yesterday, whereas a year or two ago, that difference would’ve been huge.

I’ve often heard from people that the “relationship you” and the “normal you” is quite different, where I’m using the term in the sense of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It seems like this is a similar situation to the one above actually. Your focus might be slightly different, but knowledge of yourself and a fixed purpose should really result in one congruent person. Perhaps that particular statement implies confusion in the identity of the person who says it more than anything else.

At this moment, I don’t feel any pain nor is my brain in a super active mode. I do find it strange that I woke up at 3am with a cold sweat though. Maybe it’s because I slept at 10:30pm and my body is just a bit confused as to the timing of things. We shall see.

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