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Sitting here in front of my computer, I’d awakened yet again in the middle of the night. This has been happening almost every night since A Throbbing Heart Leads To A Sleepless Night. Always, it is accompanied by an intense “in love” feeling, which has been growing stronger day after day. Every morning when I wake up, the feeling is there as well. Today, I awoke with an especially intense version of love, bordering on a tinge of sweat.

The previous posts A Throbbing Heart Leads To A Sleepless Night,Another Awakening At 3am,Sincereness Forms A Lasting Friendship, and What Seems Closed Isn’t Quite Closed documents the extent of this relationship so far.

Indeed, these intense feelings occur throughout the day as well. This actually makes me wonder if the feelings are only occurring during the REM phase since I’m not groggy when I wake up. If so, do they occur with approximately the same period during the day? Or perhaps, they occur randomly and my body just doesn’t wake up during deep sleep. From what I can recall, the urges do seem to be related to how often and recently we’ve talked, as well as the intensity of the conversation though.

We last left off with her decision to spend a few days with her current boyfriend, which has now happened. The withdrawal pains were definitely noticeable and started increasing in severity – for both of us. It’s interesting how the bonds of being in love works. It is like an extremely addictive drug that just gets more and more addictive as you spend time together. Observing it first hand has been an interesting experience so far to say the least.

At first, I’d thought that I was just falling in love faster than she was. However, looking over our experiences together, I can see that is not true. She did in fact have conversations with me because she was unable to concentrate on studying, and not for a lack of trying to stay away from me. As her boyfriend is with her this weekend, I would assume that he has been serving as a “substitute drug” for me to a large extent. Although, when we talk daily, I can feel the restraint that she is exercising.

I do wonder how this feeling plays out in nature. In similar situations in the past, I’ve always surrendered against the disruptive effects of this feeling and moved on. However, in this case, the connection is simply too deep and valuable for me (as a long term friendship) to let go. It makes me wonder if the other guy is feeling it too. If this is the case, then this “battle” becomes an interesting one. As the feeling can overpower me and immobilize me from doing things (such as posting on this blog) because it occupies a significant portion of my thoughts, I would assume similar things happen for the other guy. Clearly, this is unsustainable in the long term. Perhaps, dealing with these feelings without letting it affect my other obligations and pursuits is a test of my character, not unlike dealing with your self doubts on the last mile of a long run.

Another conclusion we came to is that just exactly what is the nature of her decision? In A Throbbing Heart Leads To A Sleepless Night, I’d said that there is no decision for me to make at this point because there are no resources to commit. However, this is not true! This “one decision”, is actually a continuous series of decisions regarding where to invest my time. If today, I speak with her, then I’ve decided to invest that chunk of time into the relationship. If tomorrow, I decide to not talk to her, then I’ve decided to not invest that time for that day. The interesting thing is, this decision for her (and me) never ends!

Therefore, given this, what should I do? Well, it once again goes back to what relationships are about. We are two people, who are together because we offer each other something. In this case, that something is a very unique understanding of the other person that we have not been able to find anywhere else. Additionally, we think alike, but differ on many issues, which result in a lot of creative ideas for personal development. It also gives us a special connection when it comes to emotional support. If I just focus on these things, then our time together would be well spent no matter what happens.

As for the other guy, if he is not contributing real value besides a romantic escapade, their relationship will end when the romantic escapade ends. Eventually, questions of who we are and what our path is will always come back to us. Relationships that shouldn’t be will simply stand as great obstacles at those junctures.

Every time I re-examine this situation, I always find that my decision is very easy. All I have to do is spend time with her and cherish the interesting ideas that we create. Every moment, I pick that. No matter what happens, I can’t lose! If she decides to proceed romantically with me, great! If she decides to never talk to me again, I would cherish the things I’ve learned from her and have a person I really love and care about (which in itself is very motivating). If we continue as is, then I’ll simply continue to have access to great ideas as well as a continued experience of falling in love.

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Why Sex Is The Most Important Emotion
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One Response to “A Falling In Love Experience Part 5”

  1. Apex on November 18th, 2009 10:52 pm

    Hey. I’ve read through all your articles preceding this article. It just happens to be, that I am going through exactly the same situation as you. And reading your articles just identifies all the issues we have to deal with! Your articles just clarified the problems/concerns that have been lingering in my situtation. In my context, We both confessed our attraction to each other a few months ago. However its hard to determine whether her feelins are genuine. She has a BF. I am doing my very best to block her from my mind because it just seems that she doesnt really care how i feel, although she does make the effort to soften the hurt im going through. I cant even sleep. She is the first person i think about when i wake up. She is the last person i think about when i go to sleep. And if i wake up in the middle of the night, she is the reason why. It was just heart-touching that i know there is someone out there (you) who is going through the same thing and having to deal with it. Keep up the writing man. You seem like a good guy, and hopefully things work out for you and your freind.