Aug
30
How To Overcome Fear And The Obstacles It Creates
Filed Under Career, Conciousness, Entrepreneurship, Health, Motivation & Purpose, The Bigger Perspective |
A Story About Fear
Some years ago, I went to an amusement park with my mother. At first, she was somewhat afraid of the roller coaster, but eventually relented in the name of adventure. As we boarded the roller coaster, I could see the tension in my mother’s body, undoubtedly caused by the adrenaline coursing through her veins with each hearbeat. I was probably feeling the same way, but since this is another one of those situations over which you have no control, it didn’t really bother me that much. Hey, if this was my day to die, then it is my day to die - might as well enjoy the ride before the accident!
As I finished my thought, the roller coaster started moving slowly. I could feel the weight of the metal that was going to hurl me at whirling speeds in a few minutes. My mother’s grip tightened with each passing second. I can only imagine what was going through her head right then. It probably contained some images of her flying through the air diving towards the ground.
Pretty soon, we were at the top. You could see my mother tensed and ready for a battle to the death. I, on the other hand, was as relaxed as I possibly could be, eagerly waiting to see what kind of strange sensations a couple extra gs would bring.
Before long, the roller coaster went over its apex and started accelerating downwards. At that time, I haven’t ridden a roller coaster in a while, so some terrifying sensations was definiately expected, Strangely, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought. The upwards “pull” feeling on my stomach wasn’t nearly as strong as I’d remembered. Maybe it has something to do with growing up and having a bigger body. Anyway, the random motions still seemed interesting, jerking me back and forth. I sat there, looking around at stuff at weird angles. I could probably have had a sandwich and read a book without it bothering me too much.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught a glimpse of my mother. She was completely bent over, with her head in between her arms, in one of the most terrified positions a person can be in. I couldn’t help but notice the irony of the situation. It reminds me of those cartoons where two guys fall off a roof, one guy lands on the floor, while another guy is grasping desperately onto the lowest ledge, only inches from the ground. The first guy taps the on the shoulder of the second guy, kind of saying, “Hey eerr, you know you can let go right?” This is exactly what I tried to do - I leaned over and gently tapped on mom on the back, seeing if she’ll relax. She barely acknowledged me, completely paralyzed by her own fear. Later, as we were getting off, she told me that she sprained her neck on the ride.
I am reminded of this experience every time I see people make a really big deal out of not so bad situations. For example, we hear of college students committing suicide because of the pressure of getting good grades. It’s so tempting to tap them on the shoulder and say, “You know - all that piece of paper says is you don’t know it very well right now - it’s not like you can’t just learn it later!” This is an example of something that could just be ignored, but instead is blown up into ridiculous proportions, just like Jack and Bob in The Key To A Healthy Relationship.
I’ve actually known the college student mentioned above personally. We played chess together at one point in high school and I knew him to be one of the smartest people in the school. Yet, from what I’ve heard, he jumped off a bridge from the pressure of graduate school and because his best friend also did the same.
The Obstacles That Our Fears Create
In both of these situations, the person in question created a seemingly unsurmountable obstacle that exists solely in their imagination. In my mom’s case, she was so sure that she was going to die on the roller coaster that day, that she did everything she could to avoid the experience. As a result, not only did she not enjoy the ride, she had a sprained neck to go along with it. In the case of the student jumping off the bridge, he probably viewed certain accomplishments in graduate school as the ultimate achievement in life. Because he thought that if he didn’t achieve this, his life would have no meaning, he ended his life just to avoid “failing” at this imaginary task.
Looking around, there are numerous instances of fears that keep people from getting what they want every day. A guy standing next to a girl who likes him but he’s afraid of asking out. So he walks away, leaving himself and the girl disappointed. A guy who wants to start a business but sees all the problems before they even manifest. Ultimately, he decides against it because these problems seem so unsurmountable, leaving himself and his potential clients unhappy. Every day, many people are prevented from accomplishing their dreams due to these imaginary obstacles. I am sure that I have had my fair share of these unjustified fears. Here’s a few tips for combatting them:
Recognize Your Fears - First, you need to recognize that this is indeed one of the fears you have. If you already accept this particular fear as the absolute truth, then there is no way to face that particular fear and hence no way to overcome it. For example, say you want to start a business, but you are afraid of taking risks. Every time someone talks to you about starting a business, your immediate response is “Oh, that’s too risky for me”. In this instance, you have so internalized the fear of taking risks that you don’t even recognize it as one of your fears anymore. In your world, it becomes an absolute truth that starting a business = bad. You no longer recall why or how you came to that conclusion, just that it is.
This is an extremely dangerous mode to get into because not only are your fears limiting your progress, you don’t even know that it is! This is the very situation that the graduate student who committed suicide got himself into. He became so obsessed with doing well in school and feared failing so much, that failing = the end of life for him. Once he saw that he couldn’t accomplish what he wanted, he figured he was going to “die anyway”, so he might as well do it earlier.
You should always very carefully examine the reasons why you choose not to do something. As long as something doesn’t kill you or permanently injure you in some way, you can do it! Start by making a list of anything you want to do. If an automatic thought crosses your mind stating some reason you can’t do it now, that is the result of some sort of fear. For example, let’s say you want to start a business but you can’t do it now because you don’t have enough money, that is the result of the fear of going broke, the fear of being hungry, the fear of having no shelter, etc. Or maybe you are not talking to the guy or girl you like because now is not a good time. That is the result of the fear of being rejected, the fear of not belonging, the fear of being inadequate, etc. Write down the reasons you have and the fears associated with those reasons.
Once you have recognized your fears, you can now work towards defeating them. These are the things that are holding you back from exploring more possibilities and limiting your growth as a person.
Understanding The Root Of Your Fears - With your list of fears that are holding you back, you can now try to figure out where these fears come from. For each item on the list, examine whether this fear is the result of some other fears. Your goal is to consolidate your list to as few fears as possible, so that you can better understand where the root of your all your fears are coming from. For example, say one of the items on your list is the fear of being poor. Ask yourself, why am I afraid of being poor? Maybe it’s because being poor limits your freedom. Maybe it makes you insecure about your ability to support yourself. From that one fear, you have actually expanded your list to two fears. Continue this process and ask yourself why you are afraid of having no freedom and why you are afraid of being unable to support yourself.
When you start this exercise, your list will probably grow bigger and bigger as your discover more and more of your fears. However, like finding bugs in software engineering (and then fixing them), you eventually will hit a peak and the number on that list will start to decrease. Try to find as many common base fears as possible, so that you have a smaller number of fears to have to work on. I also find this excerise to really help with knowing yourself better.
When I finished this process, I only had one fear left on the list - the fear of not existing.
Overcoming Your Fears - Fear, as far as I can tell, is the result of uncertainty about a situation. We fear death because we don’t know what happens after it. We fear losing our jobs because we don’t know if there is another way we’ll be able to support ourselves. We fear asking a person out on a date because we don’t know what the other person’s expectations are and whether they would say yes or no. In all of these instances, fear comes from not knowing what we would do should some particular situation happen.
To get rid of the fear, simply figure out what you will do in each of the possible scenarios. For example, for the fear of asking someone out on a date, figure out what you would do if he/she says yes, he/she says no, he/she says yes with a smile, he/she says no with a smile, he/she throws a glass of water at you, etc. Once you know exactly how to handle every single situation, there is simply nothing to be afraid of anymore.
Of course, it’s not always easy to plan out exactly what to do in every situation. How do you even go about doing that? There are infinite number of situations that can come up, so there is no way to “memorize the correct action” for each particular situation. This is where knowing your purpose in life helps tremendously. When you have a definite purpose that encompasses all situations, then you will always have something fall back on if you don’t know exactly what to do.
For me, that purpose is existence. In any situation where I am unsure or confused, I will pick the option that maximizes my existence. Dying? No problem, I will just create as much stuff as possible (could be things or ideas) while I am alive and my existence will become these things. Asking for a date? if yes, we find out more about each other. If no, I go back to my happy single life and possibly try again at a later time. Losing my job? I will try to find some other way to increase my existence. Sure, I may still be afraid from time to time since I haven’t worked every single thing out, but given a bit of time, I will always know which path to take.
Having this purpose is like having a giant compass whenever you are lost. You may not know where you are now, but you will always end up at your destination if you follow the general. Knowing this, what is there to be afraid of? You will get what you want, you are heading the right way, and you do know what to do when you are lost. Since this is an internal thing, this sure seems like a good saying: “For all problems, look inside yourself”.
Figure out your purpose and fear will never control you!
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how to overcome fear of flying
iam afraid and i don,t know why and from any thing
I really gained from your writings. KUDOS!
I will like to ask… You talked about “figuring out what you will do in each of the possible scenarios”, I want to tell you that there are some situations when one would have figured out so many great points, but at the point of pouring out what was on mind, you found out that the gut you had while you were alone figuring out points was not there anymore.
So my question goes thus: what can be done to retain the boldness while in the real scene ?
I will appreciate your quick response. Thank you
@Dammy: Thanks! Yeah, that one is hard! You can try imagining the scenario over and over before you do it so that you get used to it and know what to do in every situation. Otherwise, you’ll just have to experience it over and over again until the logic becomes an instictive response.
Thanks for the suggestions. I feel better already. I just hope that they help me conquer my fear.
i don’t know why i feel fear while giving speech. suggest me
this suggestion is good.
i liked it.
thank you
how to do it?
it became effective for me.
how to overcome fear of speaking to others
send some articles about fear.
this became very helpful to me
I am in a relationship with man and I can’t seem to let go of him. I baby him a lot and in a way I feel like a mom to him. One reason I can’t let go is because the fear of letting someone so close to me go, I guess like letting go a child. He wants me to stay, but he doesn’t want to get married. I am in my early 30’s and feel the need to start a family of my own and he can’t give me that. Can you help me relate the ways of overcoming fear in my siltation. I am having a hard time understanding how to..
want more info on how to over come my fear of becoming a succesful man.
i have a fear of death and it is really tormemting me. since a had my daughter i am constantly thinking whats gonna happen to her if i die and whats gonna happen to me . i believe in god and i know there is life after death. my heart pounds so much and i feel so cold then i experinece pains in my back. ii want to overcome this fear and stop thinking about death at all times, how do i do it?
help
lola
Hi lola,
What you have i suspect is a little panic disorder there. You sound overwhelmed by the feeling of fear. If it’s happening a large portion of your day, go to your doctor and he may prescribe some drugs to ease yr troubles a little.
While you do that there are panic and worry self help kits like the Lindon method or panic away, or even Lucinda basset. Which enable you to get that distance from your fears.
The root of most irrational fears or fears that are more than they should be is that it is chemical imbalance (perfectly normal) that gets you questioning and all sorts and you start thinking that these are the causes for all the strange symptoms.
Here is my favorite instant technique to overcome your fear:
1. Think of a situation that you are afraid of. You have to be very specific about it. Like “I’m afraid to ask my boss for a raise.”
2. Imagine the worst outcome possible. I mean the very worst outcome. (”Ex: You would be fired because you dared to ask for a raise and you could never get a job again.”) What are the real chances for that outcome? Almost zero I guess.
3. Imagine a possible failure. A real one. What could you learn from it? Would your life change dramatically if you would fail? What would be the experience for you?
4. Ask yourself the following question: Which is more painful? The FEAR to act or having every day the same FRUSTRATION if you don’t act.
5. Imagine the best outcome. See yourself coming out successful from the situation. Close your eyes and imagine how would you look like, how would your environment look like and how would you feel inside.
6. Burn the bridge behind you and TAKE ACTION! You have to do something, which makes it impossible for you to turn back. You have to face your fear. (”Ex: Tell your boss that you want a private meeting with him.”)
[...] and overcome fear. Learn to spot what fear looks like in yourself. Sometimes people spend so much energy avoiding [...]
[...] and overcome fear. Learn to spot what fear looks like in yourself. Sometimes people spend so much energy avoiding [...]
How to overcome underestimation
Its Really an excellent ways of tackling the Fears with in us.I will take this as a tools for over coming all the Fears in me and will get the best results by doing good activites with out Fear for myself and my family and to the society.
I’m afarid of people hurting my family and friends. Like robbers and everything. My mother prays for me but I still fear about the subject. I can’t sleep properly at night, I stay up late wondering “Is this the night?” I mean it has to happen to us someway or another? I just wish it wouldn’t. How to I overcome this fear?
I need more information on”how overcome fear”
thanks
Hey,thanks,it really helped.Asante sana.
Before entering the situation i will be keep on imagining and the fear will be rulling me which it disappoint me and loosing my interest on all the things
When i get into that situation,succesfully I will overcome that.
Sudhindra.R
well, thanks for you word, it really help me alot to overcome my fears nows. well my own story is a different case bcos before i read i ur word, i was so rejected bcos i av to leave someone i luv for are to be serious, in which she is not been serious. well please what can i do in this situation. bcos we are not free to talk to ourselves again has we always did before.
i am fgfgfgWEJNTRT
Thank you for this article. I am very enlightened. I now know why I act the way I act in my 30 years of living. =)
very good really helpfull
i really thanks to u for this article.it helped me to over come my fear, i love one, she also but she always say lie to me,so i fear of all she may leave me,, help me to give some words.
I have a feeling of rejection of my ideas.
nd one more thing that bothers me is the feeling that I am a girl and grls are week as compared to guys. I don’t know how to overcome it….
plzz help
Thanks!
Even thought it may not have helped me acomplish my goal, It might help for other fears I might develop in future life. I’m still a kid, So whats the worry?
How do I not be scared of doing a backflip on a Trampoline? I could do a Frontflip but not a Backflip, Please help
i canot feel myself.my conscience is lost,i dont or can’t know anything.i guess im carrying a lot of bottled up emotions with me .it’s hit me to a great extent that now my words have no meaning,i cant make a meaning for myself.i tooo low beaten by abuse and physical violence in my past,when i was probably 8.now im 16 yrs,i can;t look at myself(inside).fear has hit me very badly im not able to do anything,i mean mentally .im just working like a machine.doing wat other people say,i cant think for myself,im trapped,however free it is on the outside im not able to come out.im constantly (auto)defending myself.i have no control over the defensive mechanism.the inside of me is completely gone.its burning inside me.cann anybody please help me?im not expecting anything big,just give your suggestions
To the guy/girl above me. Try to open your heart to one particular person that you feel you can trust. Tell them what you’re going through, and allow them to relate to you. You may have experienced dramatic pain and i’m sorry. But you must realize you are not alone in your pain. In order to do that, you must try to prevent yourself from closing yourself off. Good luck and God strength.
Oh and to the one who wrote this article. Thanks i appreciate it. Wish me luck as i attempt to conquer my fears and live this gift of life.
Hi, appreciate your article. I need more information on”how overcome fear”
thanks..do u have compiled links?
YOU WRITEUP RELY ENCOURAGED ME ON HOW TO OVERCOME FEAR THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU
i m scared of oing to jail as i was caught in drink and drive case in india and now i m so scared that i m not sleeping at night i do not eat well how o overcome his fear pls help
how to overcome fear of speaking to other people
often, i am hold back by my fears to achieve what i actually want. i hate it because in the end,i will blame and question myself, “why didn’t i..”,”i should have…”,”if only..”. thus, live ur life like you will never it twice. conquer those fears! they are just obstacles to your goals! i am going to try listing out my fears and overcome them. i am not going to let my fears control my purpose!! cheers =D
i feel so guilty and i always have a fear of dying and getting bad response from others.My friend who was close to me we did so many things together and we also used to go for the sex wid prostitute and we did many thing together.And after sometime we didnt met a lot and he used to stay alone and unnoticed.Suddenly he drank a poison he is in the treatment right now.His condition is his mother was dead when he was a child he does nothing and he was trying to go abroad for a work but it didnt succided.He was staying wid his sister and brother in law.What could be the possible reason that he might have taken that poison.I feel so guilty and fear from his condition.What should i do i m stressed.
I have a fear of emotional pain. My husband has been unfaithfull and has lied to me so much. I love him and don’t want to leave. We are trying to get past these problems in our relationship but the fear of these things happening again is holding me back and for the life of me I cant get past it. Does anyone have suggestions on how to do this. I am at a loss. Thanky you.
fear is the state of the Mind.
lack of faith if richness in fear
lack of action increases fear
lack of positive inspiration promotes fear
lack of trust elevate fear.
lack of hope generates fear.
I loved your article… it reminded me of one I read not to long ago. I found these really inspirational as well. http://blog.dalecarnegie.com/tipsforsuccess/20-tips-on-overcoming-fear/ I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
hi,i am mark from the Philippines.i just wanted to ask on how to overcome my fear on Facing reality.i do experience a lot of problems but coping with it is a very hard task. I am hoping for your kind response Thanks a lot!
how to overcome the fear of beaing beaten up? and fear of the outside world…it has become a fobhia for me already..
I use this Observational Mental Exercise that’s like a meditation, a centering/calming exercise and it brings me such peace, self-control and silences the endless chatter in my mind so much so that my intuition is sharpened, and I am led from within. Fears and hangups I have had have disappeared, I not only lost 140lbs, but have kept it off for almost 30yrs, and stayed married for almost that amount of time, too.
http://www.patriotoutreach.org is a 501c founded by Col. Monaco. He has discovered this same exercise I use can heal, even curing PTSD completely and he not only offers this for free download from his charity, but has active-duty military using it, too.
Keep you fear under control, don’t let it grown on you, the secret is to confront & conquer it on a consistent basis
well such types of fear are quite different from emotional fears………like fear of mingling with people and so we tend to worry and think a lot over what others might think about us. How do we get rid of such fears?
i ll work on it… then i ll reply
I went to hypnosis class, & i have read on the internet that when you fear during the process their is potential danger. Also you can lose your mental equilibrium(like pyshopathology,scizneporiunm)
I went to hypnosis class, I feared after attending the sesion on 3rd day. Now I am under terrible depression & fear that I will not be normal because I have read on the internet that there are adverse effects of hypnosis like pyshopathology, sceznophoria when anybody fear during the process of hypnosis.
help me to overcome my fear
Dear Warren,
Thank you for taking time to post your ideas and insights online. Your post has led me to take time to remember and realize what my single-minded purpose is and also to list my fears.
This is very helpful, thank you.
hi i’m joanna… i just want to ask some help on how to overcome my fear with ghost… i’m 20 years old but still i’m like this, please help me
I have problem with fear of girlfriend. I try ovrcome fear and took off clothes in cafe. I only got bad lookings from peoples. I like your writing but it is not helping.
Hi there, my major fear is failure.At the moment in my life, my girlfriend of 5 years has broken it off because I dont want to get married or not yet and have all the responsibilites of a father. She has a 8year old girl which I love, how do I overcome this? in my mind I manifest failure of myself and of the peole I love. I just cant see what my purpose in life is. Please help.
Hi i have a fear that god has not made my life companion(husband).how to overcome this?
[...] Warren Wong tells how fear may be holding you back and what to do about it in his post, How To Overcome Fear And The Obstacles It Creates. [...]
how to overcome fear of darkness and ghosts
Great article. I have two main fears. They just kick in automatically without telling me and kaput goes everything.
Fear 1: Entrance exam. I am appearing for CAT (an Exam for MBA in India). One of the sections is on Data interpretation and Reasoning. The questions are sometimes out of the world. There is no formula to solve them but if one thinks and tries to make a logic out of it, it can be solved. I can solve them, but when I am appearing for a mock I just freeze. My brain tells me.. “oh this is too hard, try other one”. The fear has grown so big that I can’t read the question statement properly. And the worst is, I don’t realise this. For me its just a difficult question worth skipping. And even if I attempt, I fail to answer it (because the fear clouds by ability to interpret the problem).
I don’t know what to do and only 10days left for the exam. Can anyone suggest a tip or anything.
i had one fear, to be alone. used to i could not even sleep by myself it was so bad. i wood get scared and hyperventalate if i was left alone. but now i see that fear is irrelevant and only apart of our minds. i learned that you can overtake what you are afraid of……..there is nothing frightening about the dark if you just face it……….now i am scared of nothing……
how can I overcome a fear of riding horses? I had a bad accident years ago in my twenties, but I want to feel the confidence and fun I had as a kid again.
can you help me?
Hi Warren,
You’re article really hepled me alot. I did like you said and wrote down all of my fears and afterwards I was able to narrow them down to 3 main fears. This made me understand my fears and also made me realize that they can be overcome. However, it will take some time.
Thank you
Best regards,
Matt
i am always fear at the time talking with my bose, entracting in class & talking with sinors. I am a chartered accounted in future, if i will fear this type, so how will exist in my life and the another thing that i am unknown a good conversaction with others. pleas direct me that how to overcome this difficulties
are you guys serious ? this is one of the worst articles i have ever read. this is a person who thinks they have overcome fear.dont fear reality. dont fear what you can see and understand. fear what you cant see…..fear what you cant understand. theres only one effective way to overcome fear. anger. when your angry at something you forget about fear.
starting a business is bullshit, the govenment is a business and its destroying the planet
money allows me to overcome all obsticals yet money is an illusion, its transfered on electrical signals these days. thats all i have to say
Great nuggets of good advice. The best one i use…asking the question - whats the worst that could happen and then what? however you need a element of faith in your abilities and realise that you can think it thru with a level head. Try not to let people harrass or pressure you into a fast solution that puts you into the fear zone. relax take a deep breath and kick ass by asking and thinking this thru. the more you do it the better you get at it. challenge your self by turning things over until you get good at it. All the best!!
Nym
I am a christian. In the christian perspective, fear is a torment and it is a demonic spirit that needs to be casted out of someone by the power in the blood of Jesus. one of the ways to overcome fear is by knowing your authority through the word of GOD (the bible) GOD has not given us the spirit of fear but of love, power and sound mind.if you are a christian you can easily overcome fear in all realm of life.
Thanks for the good article. I am a Muslim and it helped me. Also i have a prayer for all:
http://www.al-islam.org/sahifa/dua50.html
So have mercy upon me,O Most Merciful of the merciful!
Show me forbearance,O Possessor of majesty and munificence!
And turn toward me,Surely Thou art Ever-turning, All-compassionate!
Mir
Hello ,
I am developing Social Phoebia.. I dont feel comfertable in Talking to Others.. ! i just think so many times before talking to people.i just hesitate to buy something or go at public places. bothering myself. that what people think of myself. as i lonely from 4-5 years.
I barely remember any friend from 10th std.
as i gt bullied in school after that
its 4 years after that situation. and now my Social Phobia is at peak. i left my college.
I feel so helpless Now
Someday i feel better after Self talking
. But After that..
Its All Same.. I find difficult 2 sleep even
Help Me.
Savvy..
I’m addicted to fear I’ve gone to the Dr. for years to overcome it.He’s told me to deal with it. If I knew how to deal wth it I wouldn’t need help. I’m afraid of just about everything. I’ afraid of the dark. I’m afraid dieing. I’m afraid of my Mother dieing. She is the person I trust the most in life beside God. I trust my Wife also. When I was 56 I had a panic attack so bad Mother wanted to call an ambulance to take me away. I graduated from High School & held ajob for 30 yrs. Now i feel like I’m a failure to do anything else. I belong to several fraternal organizations & have accomplished many things in the oranization. I need to overcome this fear because it is ruining my healh. I was abused all through school. I want to deal with this problem. I just don’t know how. My Wife loves me & my Mother loves me but I’m making us all miserable. with my fear. I’ve even been to AA meetings with it. I’d appreciate any suggestions. I don’t have anyone to talk to about my situation except my Wife & Mother. Thanks for listening.