Jul
25
How to Stop Hurt Feelings From Dating
Filed Under Relationships |
Feeling Hurt From Dating
Did you just go out on a date and wonder how it went? Are you staying up all night wondering if he/she feels the same way you do? Are you afraid of approaching the person you like? Pretty much everyone has been in this situation at one time or another. Here’s why: The root of all pain like this comes from your imagination and an uncertainty about what to do.
Dating The Fantasy
When you like a person, you constantly think about them. You imagine yourself in a fantasy, where you go places and do things together. Your lives together are perfect. He/she is romantic, loving, kind, and does exactly what you want when you want it. The only problem is, this person doesn’t actually exist. He/she is a projection of your idealized version of the person you like. What happens when he/she does something different from how you’d imagined? You start to lose a piece of your fantasy. You’ll either feel hurt that he/she isn’t doing what you want “anymore”, and perhaps try to change that person (which will not be well received). So, to start off, try to not imagine what it’d be like, or how good it would be. This is where an intuitive mind trying to analyze tons of possibilities becomes extremely harmful. Date the real person, not the fantasy.
The other thing that happens when you think about your future together too much is that you are analyzing too deeply down one branch of the possibility tree. Other parts of your life start to shrink because all your thoughts are focused on how good it would be together. You think about having kids, raising a family, sharing lots of romantic adventures together. However, these things are way in the future. That will only happen IF he/she likes you, IF you continue to like him/her, IF you decide to have a baby, etc. There are just so many things that can change that particular possibility. So then, what happens when you break up? All your planning has been focused on the two of you being together, so when the unexpected happens, you have no alternate plan! This is when people sit at home crying, blaming the other person for not fulfilling their dreams.
Knowing Yourself
This is why you need a backup plan. What would you do if you broke up? What would you do if he/she died? This does NOT mean that you should maintain relationships with other people “in case you broke up”. That would be a horrible breach of trust. I’m talking about what you would do if you were completely alone. Say there were no people in the world, what would you do? Now say there were 2 people in the world, what would you do? Then add various #s of people and plan out what you would do. This will allow you to understand what you want better and know what to do in most of the common situations. You’ll probably still feel a bit hurt, but it won’t be the end of the world because you’ll have a life outside of the relationship. You won’t feel the “my life is coming to an end” type of pain.
Aren’t those situations of you being alone completely unlikely though? No! Not at all. Even if there are people around, you can still be alone. In fact, outside of very involved relationships, you are alone most of the time. Whenever you are focusing on yourself and don’t notice other people, it’s the same as if you were alone. Knowing what you’d do in this situation really helps you out in figuring out what you want. You have to learn to like yourself in this state because then, any kind of relationship breakup wouldn’t be so bad. Sure, you’ll feel a loss, but you’ll still have something pretty great to return to.
Key To a Healthy Relationship
That is the key to a healthy relationship actually, since even in a relationship, you’ll be alone some portion of the time. A relationship is just an extension of the economic model. You have something he/she wants, and he/she has something you want (sex, companionship, etc.) As a result, the both of you benefit each other. Over time, as the two of you trade more and more, you realize that it’ll be more efficient if you just stayed together. That’s how it is in a healthy relationship. When you don’t really know yourself and don’t have much to offer in your relationship, that’s when you become “desparate”. It’s also when the other person feel this exceeding neediness from you, which leads the the suspicion that you have much less to offer than what you’ll be getting. If that is the case, then of course the relationship would feel like the center of the world to you, as you are deriving most of your identity from your partner. It would also explain why you would feel very hurt and angry when your partner leaves, since he/she took away all that stuff you were getting.
On the other hand, if you had a strong identity outside of the relationship, then you would simply return to the happy state you were in before you made the trades. You tried a particular trade and it didn’t work out. Now you’re left with what you started with, but with more experience. Do you realize that means you’re better off than you were before you entered the relationship? Life is series of ups and downs. You’re now standing at a point higher than you were at before the relationship (and either higher or lower than when you were in the relationship depending on how you look at it).
Just stop thinking about it and start doing the things you love. The worst case scenario? You’ll never get into a relationship again and do the things you love until you die. Just be okay with that possibility. Think about it, isn’t that a great thing? Now, if a relationship happens to come along which will make you happier - Okee dokie! Sounds good to me.
A lot of pain comes as a result of not knowing yourself and what you want. That’s because not knowing creates a lot of uncertainity in situations, which paralyzes you. For example, let’s say you just had a date and you sit around wondering when the other person would call. Days pass and no call; you become worried, not knowing where you’re at. That’s a common situation that causes many people a lot of distress. The truth is, it’s very easy to deal with when you’ve planned out all the possibilities. You can say something like, if I don’t get a call within a few days, I’ll call him/her back, then don’t think about it anymore. Is thinking about it going to make the other person more likely to call? Not even a little, so why waste time thinking about something you can’t change? Just do what you’ve always been doing - living a happy life.
The old cliche advice really is the way to go. Just know what you love to do, do it, and you’ll meet people along the way.
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[...] How to Stop Hurt Feelings From Dating [...]
Let go all the expectatoin…And you will not be hurt it doesn’t matter when happen
No expectation?? That would be hurt more than what you think. At the end, you will find out you are wasting time on someone who is not worth.
I just got dumped about 2 weeks ago. and i cant stop thinking about the girl. I cant sleep very good and all i can do is dream about her. and then i wake up sweating and cant go back to sleep. she ignores most of my calls. but i think she still loves me or somthing because i saw her at a park about 4 days ago and me and her kissed. that has to mean she still loves me right? or just playing head games. what ever it is it sucks and i need some ones help.
You are in a great situation believe it or not. She may be playing mind games with you but she Does have some feelings for you if she kissed you once again. This may feel hard to resist but dont kiss her next time or show affection in the intimate category. Just be yourself. Call this the gift situation. You are taking away the gift that she enjoys secretly-you being there. When you are not being easy and letting her kiss you, she will notice this and want you back if everything works out. Dont kiss her anymore or do any hand holding or hugs. Let her know what it is like to be in your position. She may call and say what is your problem. You say, “You!” “Your the problem that I linger on about.” “The thing is, I really care about you and you dont want to pursue anything beyond that.” “I am available to you right now but in the future, I may not be there anymore so make your choice carefully” “remember, I’m here for you”. she will realize that you are not in the mood to wait for her to make up her mind and she may fall into the desperate mode and scoop you up and love you once again! Try it, you have nothing to lose. I know this will work.
Pretend she doesn’t exist.
go on a date with someone else.
if you chase after her she will know your exactly where she wants you. As soon as you stop chasing her, she will chase you. Act as if you don’t care. Even when you know you do. If not, try to see other people. Trust me there are plenty of fish in the ocean, plenty of bears in the forest, plenty of squirrels in the tree, you get the pooint…. hope i helped (:
I just found this page while i was putting all the possible keywords to get articles to ease my pain. Haven’t yet figured out the author as yet and don’t have the money to donate as of now. But I just can’t stop myself to pen down that this article( feeling hurt from dating) is so well written. I have read so many wikis, ehows, wikianswers but this is a very intelligent and a sensible approach. Hats off to the author. Would love to get his/her email address to be able to contact further. May you always shine and thanku so much for this contribution.
thanks, i just got dumped a couple days ago and i cant stop thinking about her, i suppose this will help
my girlfriend of 19 months dumped and is now going for who i thought was one of my good friends. i feel so much pain, hate, anger and mostly confusion, this really came out of nowhere. i know i need to move on from this but where do i begin?
I liked this guy for over a year and we went on a date exactly a year later. the date was for 45min only but i had a great time.. we did talk later but he was playing games, he’d call or txt to ask me out yet not confirm the date so we don’t end up meeting and I travelled for a month and came back and didn’t hear from him at all and I didn’t see the point of being in contact with him because I felt he didn’t put an effort to get in contact with me. He started spying on me by sending his PA at work to track everything I do, who I go to lunch with and who I email or txt. He even managed to get his PA to contact me once to see what Im doing and why I havent been to work for a while. He came to work today and when I looked at him I found that he was looking at me. I have to admit, I do still think about him a lot. Please help
This helps a lot
I read this article because I am in love with my best friend we were kind of in a relationship for the past year. We are more than friends because we were exclusively seeing each other just with no title. This article has great points, my sadness comes from him and I being friends still but now we are just fiends and nothing else. My problem is I’m in love with him and he wants to be single. I have been doing other things with my time but still at night I miss him most and I am always thinking about him even if I am doing things I love.
me and my bf wer together and we worked together like a house on fire, his mum dosnt want me to be with him and we have been stopped by everyone frm seein each other, i havnt hurd from him for about a week and i want to no what is going on, i no its problie difficult him tryin to get in contact buh he dosnt have a fone atm and we cant bee seen together last week when he saw me no one had any idea apart from our friends and it was fine , we are still together because i no he loves me and i love him to much to let him out ov my life, his family hate me and think im messin up his life, the police have been called and told both of us to stay away from each other, but i cant i dont no how he feels buh whenever i try and get over him i end up depressed we have been thru crap but we always get thru it, have you any advice on how i could sort everything out and stop his family from hating me? they only hate me coz they think that i smoke bad stuff and give it to him buh i dont even smoke it, she also thinks i am messin up his education , buh i was incouragin him anbd she wont let him have any contact with me or any of our freinds help plz im madley in love
I really enjoyed this article because i felt so hurt because of this guy and now i can do the things I love and try my best to get over him. Thank you!
Thank you. Helps a lot!